J.J. Abrams: “I’m through with narrative film”

HOLLYWOOD – April 11, 2013 – In the final weeks before the release of STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS, producer/director J.J. Abrams has revealed that the TREK sequel will be his last traditional feature film. In January of this year, Abrams was contracted to direct the first Disney/Lucasfilm STAR WARS sequel, scheduled for a 2015 release. The future of that project now appears in question.

Abrams departs from the STAR WARS franchise to focus solely on pre-production for his new project, FLARE: INTERNAL LIGHT REFLECTION AND SCATTERING VIA MATERIAL INHOMOGENEITIES. This 6-hour immersive IMAX project will eschew characters and traditional story structure in favor of extended takes of bright point-sources of light.

“I’m through with narrative,” Abrams announced in a press conference held Thursday morning. “I’ve finally admitted to myself that it’s the lens flares that truly interest me. Storytelling? That was always just a means to an end, and if you examine my work you can see I never really had the knack for it anyway.”

Following the release of FLARE, Abrams’ muse will take him even further afield, into the the realms of conceptual art.

Abrams models his goggles

An exultant Abrams at this morning’s press conference: “I can’t see a goddam thing!!”

“FLARE, while non-narrative, was still intended for public consumption, as a communal viewing experience,” Abrams explained. “This next piece will be solely about my personal experience.”

In SQUINT, a performance art piece, a rotating team of gaffers will follow Abrams around 24 hours a day, pointing high-intensity halogen lights right in his face. During the press conference Abrams modeled the specially-designed spectacles he will wear, constructed of multiple layers of cheap glass. These lenses will scatter the incoming light and maximize the amount of glare he’ll see.

A brief Q&A period followed in which Abrams seemed distracted by the chandeliers in the conference room.

“I’ll take some…  uh, questions,” he began. “You in the back, enveloped in the heavenly glow?”

When asked about traditional artistic considerations, such as sharing his experience with others, he was dismissive.

“Fuck the audience,” Abrams quipped.

Abrams left the podium with the assistance of his service dog, Bokeh.

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John Harden is a screenwriter, director, and graphic designer based in the San Francisco Bay Area. He maintains that J. J. Abrams is the new Irwin Allen. He also believes it may still be possible to make a science fiction movie a semi-intelligent grownup could enjoy. You can see him try to make one here.


  1. Neo Noircat

    Not too funny. Nice if Abrams left both projects, though, There are people with talent out there, unlike this troll.


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